In the beginning...

I grew up in a loving, warm, caring and nurturing family. My sister and I knew without a doubt that we were loved and always would be. Our parents would do anything for us, and we wanted for nothing.

The one thing that went wrong, however, was our sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Somehow in all of the love and praise that was heaped upon us, we always felt that we weren't good enough. It is completely backwards of what was expected and what our parents intended.

It even has a name, though I can't remember what it is called right now...some type of syndrome.

My sister and I manifested this in very different ways; she suffers from anorexia and an overriding need to overachieve. I, on the other hand, suffer from obesity and a tendency to underachieve, as if I felt that I can't do it good enough, so why do it at all.

This has led to a life that appears full and happy on the outside, but is not quite so beneath the surface. I find myself unable to take the time to care for myself, feeling guilty about things that other women take for granted. For example, just the act of getting a haircut fills me with guilt and self-loathing, as if I can't imagine what I did to deserve something so costly and time consuming when it served no other purpose but to make me feel good.

Part of this praise syndrome is a need to be recognized, a need to be told "Good job!" or "You look nice!" on a fairly regular basis. Unfortunately, I married a man who does not do those things. He does not comment (heck, he doesn't notice) when I try to dress nicely. He doesn't recognize the work I do around the house. It isn't that he is mean, it just doesn't register with him. Romance? What's that? On top of that he has his own depression and anxiety to deal with. After thirteen years, it has worn me down to a nub.

As a result, I have turned into a person I do not recognize. I see pictures of myself and am shocked that this is ME. I listen to myself speak and cannot recognize the words that come out of my mouth.

I have unconsciously decided that there is no point trying since it won't matter anyway.

This has to change. I have to learn to live for myself instead of the people around me, instead of my husband.

I've decided to start living as if I am single. Not dating, no. I do love my husband and he loves me.

But the rest of my life? Fair game.

This blog will be about this transformation I am attempting...no, not attempting. I am DOING. It will be a completely selfish act, full of girly information and things I didn't learn growing up, such as the proper way to file your nails and how often. It will explore the spirituality I have lost since I got together with my athiest husband. There will be mysticism, tutorials on dreadlocks, recipes. It is where I will learn and grow and feel beautiful.

And I will document the process.

Today's stats:
Weight: 185.5
Food:

• An entire box of Frosted Corn Flakes by Glutino with skim milk, eaten throughout the d
•  Gluten Free fried chicken fingers with sweet potato fries and collards at Bantam & Biddy with husband. Dressed in brown linen skirt, black long sleeve tee and new black cowboy boots, did hair, makeup, jewelry. Husband didn't notice.
• Sips of chocolate almond milk

Exercise:

•     Mowed the front lawn, but still fighting bronchitis so no more. 

 Diary summary:

"Nice day today, gorgeous weather, feeling almost healthy. The Mower Fairy fixed my electric lawnmower just by touching it so I even got the weeds mowed. *And* she loaned me her truck for the weekend so we can work on the chicken coop and garden beds, and get ready for the husband's bees in the chicken yard. Great dinner with hubby at Bantam & Biddy. Looking forward to dinner tomorrow with my dear friend Eli Marrs. Dogs and a cat crashed on the bed behind me telling me that its my turn."