Big wake-up call today.
Over the past few days, I've had increasing pain in my left middle knuckle. No problem, been through that before.
Last night, however, it started to swell, and the pain become almost unbearable. I could not keep a grip on the stretcher to lift patients, and carrying equipment was torture. Thank god for firefighters.
Already had an appointment at the doctor today for an unrelated follow up, and was told that it could be a traumatic injury (from what, I have no idea), but it looks more like some type of non-traumatic joint inflammation. Both hands show signs of swelling, though the pain is only in my left. Rheumatoid arthritis? Lupus? Some other disease of the connective system? Or just a one-time-only inflammation?
Anyway, it is terrifying. The thought of not being able to use my hands is inconceivable.
Back on the ball, Nate. Back on the ball.
Tomorrow I am getting our menu in order. I am cleaning house and getting rid of stuff. I am going to start cooking again, eating real *meals* not the thrown together snacking that we've been doing. And no more Easter candy. That stuff is addictive poison.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Last night I received some of the most wonderful news of my life, giving me another step in the direction I desire to go.
I was accepted into the post bacc/pre-med program at Agnes Scott College. This is a 12-month program in which students who already have bachelors degrees in unrelated fields can get all of their prerequisites for medical school. It is an incredibly intense program, the only one of its kind on Georgia, and of very good reputation.
The program starts at the end of May, so I have exactly two months to get prepared.
This is huge.
I was accepted into the post bacc/pre-med program at Agnes Scott College. This is a 12-month program in which students who already have bachelors degrees in unrelated fields can get all of their prerequisites for medical school. It is an incredibly intense program, the only one of its kind on Georgia, and of very good reputation.
The program starts at the end of May, so I have exactly two months to get prepared.
This is huge.
Friday, March 15, 2013
In the beginning...
I grew up in a loving, warm, caring and nurturing family. My sister and I knew without a doubt that we were loved and always would be. Our parents would do anything for us, and we wanted for nothing.
The one thing that went wrong, however, was our sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Somehow in all of the love and praise that was heaped upon us, we always felt that we weren't good enough. It is completely backwards of what was expected and what our parents intended.
It even has a name, though I can't remember what it is called right now...some type of syndrome.
My sister and I manifested this in very different ways; she suffers from anorexia and an overriding need to overachieve. I, on the other hand, suffer from obesity and a tendency to underachieve, as if I felt that I can't do it good enough, so why do it at all.
This has led to a life that appears full and happy on the outside, but is not quite so beneath the surface. I find myself unable to take the time to care for myself, feeling guilty about things that other women take for granted. For example, just the act of getting a haircut fills me with guilt and self-loathing, as if I can't imagine what I did to deserve something so costly and time consuming when it served no other purpose but to make me feel good.
Part of this praise syndrome is a need to be recognized, a need to be told "Good job!" or "You look nice!" on a fairly regular basis. Unfortunately, I married a man who does not do those things. He does not comment (heck, he doesn't notice) when I try to dress nicely. He doesn't recognize the work I do around the house. It isn't that he is mean, it just doesn't register with him. Romance? What's that? On top of that he has his own depression and anxiety to deal with. After thirteen years, it has worn me down to a nub.
As a result, I have turned into a person I do not recognize. I see pictures of myself and am shocked that this is ME. I listen to myself speak and cannot recognize the words that come out of my mouth.
I have unconsciously decided that there is no point trying since it won't matter anyway.
This has to change. I have to learn to live for myself instead of the people around me, instead of my husband.
I've decided to start living as if I am single. Not dating, no. I do love my husband and he loves me.
But the rest of my life? Fair game.
This blog will be about this transformation I am attempting...no, not attempting. I am DOING. It will be a completely selfish act, full of girly information and things I didn't learn growing up, such as the proper way to file your nails and how often. It will explore the spirituality I have lost since I got together with my athiest husband. There will be mysticism, tutorials on dreadlocks, recipes. It is where I will learn and grow and feel beautiful.
And I will document the process.
Today's stats:
Weight: 185.5
Food:
The one thing that went wrong, however, was our sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Somehow in all of the love and praise that was heaped upon us, we always felt that we weren't good enough. It is completely backwards of what was expected and what our parents intended.
It even has a name, though I can't remember what it is called right now...some type of syndrome.
My sister and I manifested this in very different ways; she suffers from anorexia and an overriding need to overachieve. I, on the other hand, suffer from obesity and a tendency to underachieve, as if I felt that I can't do it good enough, so why do it at all.
This has led to a life that appears full and happy on the outside, but is not quite so beneath the surface. I find myself unable to take the time to care for myself, feeling guilty about things that other women take for granted. For example, just the act of getting a haircut fills me with guilt and self-loathing, as if I can't imagine what I did to deserve something so costly and time consuming when it served no other purpose but to make me feel good.
Part of this praise syndrome is a need to be recognized, a need to be told "Good job!" or "You look nice!" on a fairly regular basis. Unfortunately, I married a man who does not do those things. He does not comment (heck, he doesn't notice) when I try to dress nicely. He doesn't recognize the work I do around the house. It isn't that he is mean, it just doesn't register with him. Romance? What's that? On top of that he has his own depression and anxiety to deal with. After thirteen years, it has worn me down to a nub.
As a result, I have turned into a person I do not recognize. I see pictures of myself and am shocked that this is ME. I listen to myself speak and cannot recognize the words that come out of my mouth.
I have unconsciously decided that there is no point trying since it won't matter anyway.
This has to change. I have to learn to live for myself instead of the people around me, instead of my husband.
I've decided to start living as if I am single. Not dating, no. I do love my husband and he loves me.
But the rest of my life? Fair game.
This blog will be about this transformation I am attempting...no, not attempting. I am DOING. It will be a completely selfish act, full of girly information and things I didn't learn growing up, such as the proper way to file your nails and how often. It will explore the spirituality I have lost since I got together with my athiest husband. There will be mysticism, tutorials on dreadlocks, recipes. It is where I will learn and grow and feel beautiful.
And I will document the process.
Today's stats:
Weight: 185.5
Food:
- An entire box of Frosted Corn Flakes by Glutino with skim milk, eaten throughout the d
- Gluten Free fried chicken fingers with sweet potato fries and collards at Bantam & Biddy with husband. Dressed in brown linen skirt, black long sleeve tee and new black cowboy boots, did hair, makeup, jewelry. Husband didn't notice.
- Sips of chocolate almond milk
- Mowed the front lawn, but still fighting bronchitis so no more.
"Nice day today, gorgeous weather, feeling almost healthy. The Mower Fairy
fixed my electric lawnmower just by touching it so I even got the weeds
mowed. *And* she loaned me her truck for the weekend so we can work on
the chicken coop and garden beds, and get ready for the husband's bees
in the chicken yard. Great dinner with hubby at Bantam & Biddy. Looking forward to dinner tomorrow with my dear friend Eli Marrs. Dogs and a cat crashed on the bed behind me telling me that its my turn."
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