Every night this past week as I lay in bed, I have promised myself that I would be strong the next day. That I would resist the temptations of poor food choices and general laziness. That I would exercise just a little and treat myself well.
Every day I have failed.
I have asked for help from the spiritual world I believe in. I have looked within myself as well as without. I have not found the will.
Tonight, sitting at trivia with the people I call my friends I realized that it is about self-respect. Nothing more, nothing mysterious. It is a continuation of my need for external admiration, for obvious applause. I still struggle with the need for people to tell me verbally and often that I am wonderful, that I am something special.
It is something I have never learned to do for myself. I've always depended on an outside source. And when I don't get it? I believe that I have failed, that I am unworthy. I am nothing.
The one thing I want more than anything in the world is to develop internal pride, a sense of self-worth independent of what others think, say or do.
Is that too much to ask?
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